starrydynamo007 (starrydynamo007) wrote,

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Terrified Hypocrite

I'm good at doling out advice.  I'm good at sitting down with a person, listening to their problem, and then giving the best course of action that I can see.  I'm good at common sense solutions.  I believe in the positive power of discussing your problems, working through them, not bottling them up.

I am a raging hypocrite.

I don't know exactly why, but I don't share my problems.  Oh, day-to-day little annoyances, I can bitch and moan about those until the cows come home.  But when it comes to my actual problems... I get so uncomfortable, and achy, and terrified.  I feel, and know, that many of my more serious problems are of my own making, and therefor have no right to complain about them.  I can't share them.  I won't.  I feel guilty about them, like it's not fair for me to burden someone else with them when so many people in my life have problems brought on by their environment than by themselves.

I'm not getting in to school this semester.  I thought I was but then I wasn't and so made a last minute scramble for another school.  I thought, "It sucks if it doesn't happen, but the second I can, I'll sign up for winter-mester, or spring semester.  I have a job that I love, and while the pay isn't phenomenal, it is steady.  I get to spend my days with a beautiful, sweet baby; and when she sleeps, I get to read, and write, and forget, just for a little while, about all my other problems."  And my mom was actually pretty calm about the whole thing.  I had a plan.

My employer is a girl I grew up with, eight years my senior; more of a cousin than a family friend.  She used to take care of me, and now I take care of her little girl; it's a great big wonderful circle.  But since the original plan was for me to go back to school, and be only able to take care of Sarah Grace a few days a week, she started casually looking for another sitter, which I completely understood.  Her brother lost, or is in the process of losing his job, so they decided that he would take over for me when I started classes.  As of Monday, I will have no job.  Hopefully for just a couple of weeks, but still.  Instead of letting me know sooner, she mentioned the possibility to me yesterday afternoon, and just a few minutes ago, the possibility became a reality.

I understand that she has to take care of her, and that Jonathan really needs the money right now.  I get that, I do.  But what am I supposed to do with just a moment's notice?  Why couldn't Jonathan and I switch off days? One week, he's Monday, Wednesday, Friday; and I'm Tuesday and Thursday, and we just switch off from week to week while he looks for another job? He'd have a couple of days a week when he wouldn't have to worry about Sarah Grace and can set up interviews if needs be without having Sarah or Tim stay home while he does it  He's known for a while now that his job was ending, he's had time to start putting out feelers; why do I have to get the short end of the stick?

God, that's so petty and bitter and such a bitch thing to say.  But with classes supposed to start Monday, and the fact that I still haven't heard back from CSCC, I know I'm not getting in this semester.  So I will have no school, no job, and possibly no home once my mom finds out.  And I honestly feel like there is no one I can talk to about this.

My sister is getting married in a few weeks.  She and my mom are both stressing about that, and I am honestly terrified of just how much my mother is going to freak.  Because it won't be just about my situation; it will be the frustration of everything going on right now, and it will all end up being directed at me. 

My cousin Melissa, who I might normally turn to in a situation like this, has enough problems of her own.  Her husband might be losing his job (we don't know yet), and they are both struggling with the fact that their son, Seth, has Friedreich's Ataxia, which is a disease that causes the degeneration of nerve tissue in the spinal cord.  This is also weighing heavily on my mom, because Melissa is like a daughter to her, and Seth like a grandson.

Another person I would normally turn to is Barbara, who is practically my aunt.  Wonderfully fantastic Barbara.  But Barbara is Sarah and Jonathan's mother, and how am I supposed to go to her with my "woe is me" spiel?  Even if she is completely sympathetic... I don't know.

And that is the most terrifying thing to me.  I DON"T KNOW.

I'm not stupid.  I know that you can't plan your future with 100% accuracy; you can't accurately predict what's going to happen to you in the next few hours, let alone the next few years.  But you can ignore that kind of not-knowing; it's easy.  This kind, this feeling of "the axe is about to fall any time now"...

I don't know.

I almost wish that I could just feel numb right now.  I never thought I would want to feel that way again.  But this fear and dread, and the anxiety building up and up and pushing at my chest and closing up my throat and making my head spin and cloud?  I can't stand it.  I had a plan, but now...

I don't know.
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